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Top Care, the company employed by Washington University in St. Louis to tend to the grounds, has intensified its beautification efforts in order to finish just after students go home for the summer. Top Care employees have begun an intensive, expensive regimen of flower and grass planting, turning the campus from the barren expanse that winter left it into a verdant garden of Eden that nobody who pays tuition will get to enjoy. Read on >
Early Friday evening, George Washington, our nation's first president, escaped from his frozen carbonite statue in front of Olin Library and proceeded to terrorize the surrounding area. Witnesses report that he violently exploded from the confinement at around 6:15 and issued a guttural war cry. Subsequently, he used his superhuman strength to destroy nearby light poles, pull large oak trees from the ground, and damage the structural integrity of Louderman Hall and the Women's Building. No fatalities occurred, although students are hospitalized and in serious condition. Read on > WashU's official newspaper, Record, begs to be parodied
The class average was 50 and Mary claims that she “scored well below the mean.”
Here at The Eastern Review we are always on the look out for pussy and looking to join groups that “get it.” Some of our contributing editors have joined fraternities, but those we have found are overrated. Some have tried joining the Theatre Department because well, there’s little competition, but also found no poon. Some have even tried working in the Eads Computer Lab, but alas, Eads is not the hot bed for tang as some claim it is. Read on > Off-campus parties more dangerous
Information collected by Washington University's Party Statistics Unit (PSU) indicate that 106 undergraduates died at off-campus parties last year, while only 34 died at parties held on the South 40. Greg Lesbar, lead statistician of the PSU, further elaborated on some of the results. Read on > Take Back The Night seizes evening; kills four, injures six
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DID YOU KNOW? Having a multiple personality disorder protects you from identity theft. It's just too much work for the criminal.
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Volume I, Issue VI
© The Eastern Review, 2008. All rights reserved, bitches. Remember, kiddies, The Eastern Review is satire. |
Earlier today, Washington University's official newspaper, the Record, held a press conference during which their editors explicitly requested The Eastern Review to make fun of them.
Earlier this week Washington University student Mary Copperpants was brutally raped by her chemistry test.
The newest data collected suggest that the next time you plan on going to an off-campus party, you should at least think twice about it.
Take Back the Night, a group that protests sexual assault, achieved a victory at Washington University on April 1st when its troops took control of the night amidst sporadic machinegun fire and slogan chanting. It defeated the previous holders of the night, rapists. Four defenders of the night were killed and six others were injured, including one bystander who was hit with a poster carried by one of the protesters. “This is a hard fought victory, but we will not stop here,” said Debra Silberschat, a committee chair for TBTN as she hoisted aloft the severed head of a rapist. 
