Let me start by saying one thing: I could totally write for The Eastern Review.

The ER has a lot of mediocre material with some prime cut sprinkled in--the dude in Condensed Books was pretty funny, and some of my friends liked Vagina Smell. They do some good stuff, but I would definitely be able to cook their grits, if you know what I mean. Get this headline, one of my best: New evidence indicates Lewis and Clark invented Eiffel Tower on Sacajewa.

Think about how funny that is--the real Eiffel Tower wasn't even built yet, and they're smacking hands above that golden dollar trail guide's head!

I think up ridiculous article headlines all day.

Local student fails class, blames "fucking asshole TA."
Area man needs Viagra to get boner.
Pope adds anal beads to list of catechistic no-nos.

I have so many ridiculous ideas. You could write a news article about how the two candle stores in the mall--you know they always have like three of those, Yankee Candle and The Candle Store, or whatever--have this intense, drawn-out rivalry, resorting to sabotage and other devious acts. All over scented candles!

I can do more than fake news, though. I could write a position, about how I'd be so good at writing for them. It could be cleverly self-aware and ironic and everything--they love that shit. People would just sit there reading it, and then it'd dawn on them that I'm writing about the actual article they're reading right there! Brilliant.

What's more, I have an incredible control over the flow and tempo of my writing. My articles move like music--I've been called a literary genius on more than one occasion. I would bring the perfect combo of comedic mastermind and poetic virtuoso to the Eastern Review machine. So--hire me!