Here at The Eastern Review we are always on the look out for pussy and looking to join groups that “get it.” Some of our contributing editors have joined fraternities, but those we have found are overrated. Some have tried joining the Theatre Department because well, there’s little competition, but also found no poon. Some have even tried working in the Eads Computer Lab, but alas, Eads is not the hot bed for tang as some claim it is.

Down on our luck, we decided to walk around Mallinckrodt on a Wednesday night, just for shits and giggles, and low and behold, there we saw them….JUGGLERS. Yes, PLURAL—Jugglers! Juggling not just TWO, but sometimes even THREE batons! Simultaneously! Here at the Eastern Review we are always up for some risk-free fun, so we decided to try our hand at one of mankind’s oldest and most pitiful “activities.” And, it was fun. Really. It was hard in the beginning, but after some baby steps we finally learned how to toss a bean bag from one hand to the other. Anyway, after nearly 18 minutes of fun, the jugglers decided they were done and wanted ass. We wanted in. They took their batons and swords and beanbags and glow in the dark light sabers and placed them into their neat fanny packs (as if the night couldn’t get any better, they even let me borrow one, it was purple—my FAVORITE color!) and set off to the club.

It was a night on the town with the jugglers and us. 314 Events was having a kick-ass party. Tons of freshman! We got there, and as soon as we could say, “we’re under 21,” Juggler Number 1 (who shall remain nameless because he wants to continue to acquire vajay jay) walks right up to this cute girl (with minimal back hair) and says straight out, “I know how to juggle, imagine what I can do to your pussy.” The next thing I knew, Shorty got low low low! I thought to myself, this had to be a fluke. But, there was no fluke to be found. A nice looking freshman (you could only barely see her unibrow under the dim lighting) was sitting by the bar and Juggler Number 2, (also remaining nameless) walked right up to her and said, “Hey, you’re in my Intro to Environmental Science class. I know how to juggle. Show me your titties.” And it was as if a trance came over this girl because she I could have sworn she lowered her leapord skin tube top and showed him her titties (and only one was lopsided!)

If you can imagine the rest of the night went just like this. Juggler Number 3 got this fine ass girl’s number by juggling three of her tampons (and she couldn’t have been over like 175 pounds), Juggler Number 4 got a blowjob later that night after he told this one bowlegged chick he knew pi to 45 spaces, and I swear to God, Juggler Number 5 actually got laid that night, and boy even though she was a mute, I heard she tried to scream like a banshee.

All in all, I was really impressed. It turns out there are more to the Wash U Jugglers Society than meets the eye. So all you desperate guys out there, who haven’t taken the choo choo to Giney Town in the past 6-8 months—the jugglers are waiting for you.