Early Friday evening, George Washington, our nation's first president, escaped from his frozen carbonite statue in front of Olin Library and proceeded to terrorize the surrounding area. Witnesses report that he violently exploded from the confinement at around 6:15 and issued a guttural war cry. Subsequently, he used his superhuman strength to destroy nearby light poles, pull large oak trees from the ground, and damage the structural integrity of Louderman Hall and the Women's Building. No fatalities occurred, although students are hospitalized and in serious condition.

"It was totally nuts," said Jason Wrightman, a sophomore in Arts & Sciences. "I look over, and he just explodes out of the statue, and looked so pissed off. Right from there I knew we were in for it."

WUPD authorities claim that they cornered Mr. Washington on Olin A with a diamond-tipped crossbow and forced him to Louderman Hall, where he was placed in the university's carbonite-encasing apparatus, then returned to his perch. However, suspicions remain that the president is still at large, and that a decoy was placed inside the re-erected statue, possibly his mysterious younger brother Jeff.

"Look at the news, man! You've got a fourteen-story hotel reduced to rubble in Minnesota, an earthquake out west, and dead grizzly bears being found by the day," commented conspiracy theorist Mickey McDalton. "Only George can account for all of that."

Washington was originally encased in silver in 1832, after the once-popular leader turned psychotic, eating the brains of countless children. After several successful escapes from increasingly solid materials, and approximately 71 years living alone in the barren Mojave desert, he was sealed in carbonite in 1941, and transferred to the university grounds.

Carbonite specialists are dumbfounded by the latest escape, as the encasing has long been considered a highly reliable method of holding dangerous prisoners, including Han Solo. Some speculate that Washington's incredible power, coupled with the high relative humidity and warm temperatures, enabled him to destroy the casing. Others, though, believe he may have received outside help from one of several underground "Free George" groups.

The Review will provide more details on this story as they emerge.