Earlier this week Washington University student Mary Copperpants was brutally raped by her chemistry test.

The class average was 50 and Mary claims that she “scored well below the mean.”

“This test was my make or break moment. Now I’m not going to be become the dentist I always wanted to be,” Mary added.

In response to Mary's brutal mutilation at the hands of the test, Mary and her parents decided to take legal action against Washington University, and are pressing charges against the school.

When questioned about the case, Judge Filligan McGuy said, “This is easily the most brutal test rape case I have ever seen. Never before has a life been so ruined after a single test. No matter how much money Washington University has, it’s not going to save them this time, not like it did 20 years ago when they killed that blind kid.”

The following is a transcript of Mary’s phone call to S.A.R.A.H. (Sexual Assault & Rape Anonymous Helpline):

Mary: Help me! I have been raped!

S.A.R.A.H: Calm down, everything is going to be ok. Tell me your name, if you are in danger and who did this to you.

M: It… was… my… chemistry test… it touched… and inserted itself into places…

S.A.R.A.H : what?

M: MY TEST RAPED ME!

S.A.R.A.H: What?

M: It touched me here, here and here, but particularly here.

S: I’m sorry ma'am, but I can’t see where, as this is a phone, not a magical camera phone.

M: Well!? What are you going to do to help me!?

S: Um… hold on a second…

S: (aside) Steve! This girl says her test raped her, what do I do?

Steve: Check the manual!

(The sound that pages make when they are being turned)

S: Well, miss, the manual doesn’t have anything about… test rape, but if you want we can put you on our website as a victim of test rape. Maybe that will make you feel better.

M: You mean I’m all alone? With no one there to help me?

S: It’s a test; it can’t rape you.

M: You don’t know! You don’t know what it’s like!

S: Yes I do, I took chemistry last year. It’s really not that bad; you get to drop a test anyway.

M: You don't understand! And everyone keeps making fun of me, calling me "stupid" or "stupid McStupidson" or "cunt."

With the May 27th court date coming up, Washington University will have to pull some sort of miracle to get out of this pickle.