"We hereby acknowledge The Eastern Review's presence on campus, and request that they lampoon us in a traditional fashion," a spokesman for the Record stated.

"Please," he added.

The Record considers itself "the official source for news and information of vital importance to all members of the campus community," though most students have not read a single word it has published. This may be due to the readership of Washington University's unofficial source of news and information, Student Life. Associate vice chancellor Steve Givens weighed in on the controversy surrounding the unofficial paper.

"Apparently, these students have the means to distribute news and information on their own, without the help of patronizing grown-ups. Well, a pox on them," said Givens. "Look, we all have dichotomous choices to make. Should we vote for Hillary or McCain? Should we dump our trash in rivers or lakes? Should we read the Record or Student Life?"

Though the answer seems to be a resounding "neither," don't write off the Record just yet. Givens tells the Review that the Record plans on making a big splash later this year by switching to a more "fun" format.

The first of these "fun-factorz," a term coined by Givens, will be increasing the amount of puns in headlines." I can't tell you much, but let's hope that the Bears ruin the Snow Leopards' purr-fect season."

Furthermore, interviews will be "staged for entertainment purposes," and, once a week, the Record staff will visit Washington University in order to "interact with male and female subjects between the ages of 17 and 23, which should increase our understanding of their unique and bizzare culture."