The newest data collected suggest that the next time you plan on going to an off-campus party, you should at least think twice about it.

Information collected by Washington University's Party Statistics Unit (PSU) indicate that 106 undergraduates died at off-campus parties last year, while only 34 died at parties held on the South 40. Greg Lesbar, lead statistician of the PSU, further elaborated on some of the results.

"86% of off-campus party deaths were meth-related. 52% were violent crimes involving stabbing weapons, including steak knives, Swiss Army knives, and homemade shivs," said Lesbar. "Statistically, you have a higher chance of dying from a stab wound than finding marijuana on campus," he added.

On-campus deaths were a completely different story, said assistant statistician Teddy Oswald. "On-campus deaths are almost always the same thing: cyanide poisoning. This campus really needs to limit students' access to deadly compounds." As of this writing, cyanide and arsenic are readily purchasable at Bear Market, the campus bookstore, and from a guy who hangs out around 11:30 PM outside the library on weekends.

What about fraternities? "We don't have any data about them because they refuse to report their numbers. But from experience, my guess is that most fraternity related deaths are from impacted colons. You know, with all the shit pushing and what not," said Oswald.