Two women got into a fisticuffs and had to be broken up by club security outside chic Hollywood nightclub, Dolce’ last week. The two women: Dame Helen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench.

According to Dame Dench, famous for her Oscar winning role as Queen Elizabeth in Shakespeare in Love, she had been "grinding" ‘That 70’s Show’s’ Wilmer Valderlarama when she was “ever so rudely accosted” by Dame Mirren, famous for her Oscar winning role as Queen Elizabeth in The Queen. Dench told the authorities that the accost [confirmed as more of a “bump”] caused her to spill her cosmopolitan all over her brand new, bedazzled tube-top, ruining both the tube top and her “wild romp with that Cuban boy.”

According to a witness, Dame Dench then insisted that Dame Mirren buy her a new drink and tube top. Dame Mirren, according to the witness, was “shwasted” and insisted that Dame Dench buy herself her own “bloody drink.” It was at this point that Dench became a little more forceful, insisting that Mirren repay her for the damage she caused, while Mirren kept insisting that Judi “shove it up her arse.”

The witness also mentioned that Ashton Kutcher was at the club, and was clearly “titillated” at the sight of the two old women about to go at it.

What happened next is disputed, as some witnesses claim that Mirren threw the first punch while others claim it was Dench that actually roundhouse-kicked Mirren in the face first. Sources agree that both moves were equally potent as the two Academy Award winning actresses fell to the floor “slapping each other and yelling out obscenities that even a sailor would be disgusted to hear.” One club-goer insists she heard Mirren yell “I’m the fucking queen you limey sack of elephant [unintelligible]!”

The witness also mentioned that Ashton Kutcher had an erection at this point.

The two queens went at it for quite some time until security came and broke them up, say witnesses. At this point, Dame Dench’s breasts were clearly exposed as was Dame Helen Mirren’s bottom.

Charges for damage of property have not been filed by the club (two lights and a stool were broken, as well as several hundred dollars worth of alcohol, and Ashton Kutcher’s erection knocked over an entire place setting) but they are expected shortly. Charges for emotional damage brought by club-goers for seeing Dench’s “horrendously saggy breasts” have not been filed either. Surprisingly, no charges for emotional damage are to be filed for Mirren’s exposure of her bottom, which one male witness described as “supple and pleasant.”

This morning, Dame Mirren issued the following statement: “I sincerely apologize for my actions, unbefitting for an actress over sixty, much less a queen. I intend to pay for Judi’s dry cleaning bill as well as for all the damage my recklessness may have caused. I have made a grave error and will try to amend it as soon as possible.” Dame Dench also issued a statement this morning, although it had a markedly less regretful tone as it read simply, “Fuck Helen Mirren.”