As I began my frenzied jaunt towards campus today, I noticed a gaggle of slack-jawed teens and camera-toting parents blocking the way. Sometime after upbraiding them for their insolence, I came upon yet another group! In sum, I began my lecture on Habits of the Plebes and other Undesirables 25 minutes late and shouted down nearly 10 overweight middle-ageds en route.

I can offer only one solution--the campus tours must go.

One glance at the slovenly tourees only emphasizes the necessity of banishing them. The fathers come in poorly-fitting golf shirts, tucked over paunches into pleated khakis. They oftentimes sport bushy mustaches, trapping bits of dough-nut from their hotel's free "continental" breakfast. If you believe there exits one good reason to allow these commoners on our hallowed grounds, then I am not the sixth descendant of Sir Douglas Walter Halton!

Some of you may cry, "but how will we have occasion to walk backward!" Others may cry, "but how will applicants nationwide appreciate the ecstasy of being surrounded by creamy Missouran pink granite!" Others yet may express both of these sentiments, but without all the crying. No matter what the objection, I offer but the same response: my word is law, so too freaking bad for you sir.

I can, however, propose an alternative, one that would increase both the expediency of my walk to campus and the selectiveness of our much-loved institution. Instead of inviting applicants to tour our domain, we will take it upon ourselves to tour theirs.

We'll enter their homes, inspecting their personal affects with the same scrutiny they give to our dormitories. If their beddings lie in an untidy heap, one mark off! If one of their oyster forks has a tinged tine, two marks off! If they exceed ten demerits, they will be denied acceptance. If they exceed thirty, they will summarily be executed.

Apt answers for problematic predicaments--these I provide free of charge. Next week, my audience, I will consider another of the University's pressing dilemmas, the proclivity of the help to occasionally look professors directly in the eyes. Thank you kindly, and good day.