The powers to be, or rich people, announced today that sadness is happiness, despite popular belief that the opposite is true. The announcement, which claims new studies in psychology as its evidence, is planned to pacify an already despondent public in the face of another war, looming global recession, and cuts to public services including welfare and education.

"We didn't think we could get away with it," said the Vice-President. "But psychology is important today--people listen."

Although The Review couldn't get access to the new study, rich people across America assert that its findings are valid.

Among the more vocal owners of the means of production was Donald Trump.

"Happiness is sadness. Happiness is sadness! It works, you dumb saps," he said.

The less fortunate seemed unfazed by the study's results.

"You ain't gotta be shy, brother. I suck dick before," said a poor person.

In the future, the sun will not rise.