Tired of the wintery chill? Want to brighten up your everyday routine? Angry at your roommate? Well, look no further. With the help of a Chinese government scientist and truth serum, we at The Eastern Review have uncovered the top secret method to make your very own sustained, viable nuclear fusion reaction! Just follow these four simple steps and you’ll have a unlimited energy source to use at your every whim!

Step one: First and foremost, you will need protons. Protons can be found growing on rare bushes in the wilderness. They are shaped as perfect spheres in varying solid colors, and have a distinctive plus symbol on them (consult your physics or chemistry textbook for a picture of a proton). Alternatively, you can buy a bag of protons from Schnucks for $10.99.

Step two: Next you will need to build a large box that can withstand temperatures of up to 200,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Balsa wood is recommended for this task, as it is relatively easy to obtain and is sturdy, yet light.

Step three: Place the protons into your heat-proof container, and shake it vigorously so that they collide with each other. You should feel the box starting to get warm. WARNING: if the box is leaking you will die from radiation! Thus, you should always wear a suit of aluminum foil before you perform this step. Safety first!

Step four: Set down the box and wait forty five minutes. Then carefully open the box. If you followed all the steps correctly, you will see what looks like a miniature sun floating around and giving off heat. Take the reaction out with oven mitts and admire your work!

Congratulations! You can now

• use it as a heater/microwave
• destroy anything
• win a Nobel Prize
• plug appliances into it
• take over the world
• and much, much more!

Happy reacting!