Yossel: How goes everything?

Chaim: Baruch Hashem no complaints.

Yossel: Really? No complaints?

Chaim: Well… I guess I do have a couple.

Yossel: Nu? What are they?

Chaim: Well, I have been married to Rivka daughter of Levi for a few months now…

Yossel: Ah yes, the sofer’s daughter! She is quite the catch!

Chaim: I know she is! Baruch hashem she is. But we have been having some problems lately.

Yossel: Chaim? I’m no doctor, but like Jacob and the men of Shechem, problems with women I have had! Tell me your problems!

Chaim: Well it’s mostly been with the...well...

Yossel: Nu? With what?

Chaim: With the holiest of holy acts.

Yossel: Really? That?

Chaim: Unfortunately yes.

Yossel: Well, what?

Chaim: The woman does not know how to give a good blow job.

Yossel: A shande my friend. A shande.

Chaim: It’s quite a shame.

Yossel: Well, what is wrong in particular?

Chaim: When she grabs my cock, its more of a yank…

Yossel: Ahh, the yank!

Chaim: And then when she uses too much of her teeth...

Yossel: The bgvald khapn is the worst of the worst!

Chaim: No its not! Don’t get me started about how she treats my balls!
Yossel: Your poor beizim!

Chaim: Last night for instance, I told her I wanted her to tickle my balls while she was sucking my dick and do you know what the kapitzula did?

Yossel: What did she do?

Chaim: She darn near ripped my ballsack!

Yossel: An oysergeveytlekh shande!

Chaim: This all sound terrible does it not?

Yossel: Chaim my friend, it sure does.

Chaim: But that is not all.

Yossel: Oy gevalt! There’s more!

Chaim: What I have to tell you stays between me and you only.

Yossel: On my bubbe Sara’s grave I will not tell a soul.

Chaim: Ok. My Rivka has the tightest pussy I have ever come across.

Yossel: So?

Chaim: So! My pupik barely fits inside!

Yossel: Oh!

Chaim: It takes me fifteen minutes to get the cock in! And it gets so frustrating that it barely stays hard that long!

Yossel: This my friend, is not something good.

Chaim: It’s terrible! So I’m lying in there, looking into the eyes of my beautiful beshert..

Yossel: That she is.

Chaim: And I can barely stick my cock in her pirge!

Yossel: Pirge?

Chaim: That’s Yiddish for pussy.

Yossel: Oh.

Chaim: So I have to get her to jack me off to keep me hard as I am trying to get my cock in there.

Yossel: I see now the problems.

Chaim: And then sometimes by the time my dick is about to go in, my bubeleh Rivka has already jacked me off!

Yossel: And then you wait!

Chaim: Oy do I wait, at least another 20-30 minutes God willing till I can get hard again.

Yossel: I see your problem.

Chaim: And nu? What should I do?

Yossel: Well, in regards to the sloppy and painful blow job, I think perhaps my Shifra can help. My eldest is known for giving the best blow jobs in all the shtetel. She can probably give her a few tips.

Chaim: That is a mekhaye! But what about my poor Rivka’s tight pussy?

Yossel: You know my brother in-law, Pinchas the butcher?

Chaim: Of course, he provides us meat for Shabbos!

Yossel: Well, when he has trouble getting the innards out of the cows and sheep, he uses this wire contraption opener. He places the two ends inside the animals and then turns a little lever that stretches this piece of interlocking metal, and rips open the animal’s flesh. Perhaps this wire device, complete with clamps and screws could help stretch your poor Rivka’s tight pussy.

Yossel: I require no thanks. Just your continued friendship.

Yossel: I have to go now, my Golde insists on being fucked at four o’clock every Thursday. Today, she tells me she’s bringing scraps of cloth to use as blindfolds.

Chaim: Good mazal and good yore! Enjoy yourself Yossel!

Yossel: I always do. Baruch Hashem.

Chaim: Baruch Hashem.