In a report released a fortnight ago, Marlboro University reported that smoking makes people cooler. In a special investigation, I interviewed top scientist Howard Doglass.

Brock Spring: Hello there Mr. Scientist.

Howard Doglass: Hello, would you like a cigarette?

Spring: What are you trying to do, kill me?

Doglass: No, I’m trying to make you cooler, so that all of the other kids don’t call you names, like "ugly."

Spring: They call me that?

Doglass: Yes.

Spring: Give me one of those death sticks. I lit the cigarette and took a drag. Mmm... delicious tobacco. So tell me Mr. Scientist, what do you have to tell me?

Doglass: Smoking makes you cool. It takes a complete loser like you and makes you into something more, almost like a radioactive spider bite.

Spring: Prove it. At that moment 4 very attractive women entered the room and started to…. Well, use your imagination. If you imagined that one of them gave me her number, then you would be right.

Doglass: I think that’s proof enough.

Spring: Okay, you got me. Smoking does make you cool. But isn’t it really bad for you?

Doglass: There has not been enough research done to prove that, but research has been done to prove that smoking makes men more likely to get oral and women less likely to get fat.

Spring: But lung cancer!?

Doglass: Okay, which is more important to you? Being loved by all and having popularity, or life? You can’t have both.

Spring: But what about those commercials? The ones that are like, “smoking kills 100,000 people every second?”

Doglass: Lies. They are lying to you. Those people have just discovered how much cooler smoking makes people and don’t want anyone else to be cool and loved. Tell me Spring, are your parents still together?

Spring: No, they got divorced when I was 39.

Doglass: Did they smoke?

Spring: Nope.

Doglass: Exactly--had they smoked your parents would have stayed together.

Spring: You mean their break up wasn’t my fault, like my mom tells me?

Doglass: No. It was the lack of tobacco.