Due to a glitch in the spacetime matrix and some dumb luck, The Review has intercepted some radio transmissions from our none-too-distant future. Enjoy the following at your leisure.

Announcer: We’re here today with one of the captains from the recently returned mission to Europa, Smithy Wes Tenderson. Tell me, Smithy, was it hard being aboard the Enduring American Independence & Freedom presented by ExxonMobilGreenpeace for six whole years?

Tenderson: Well, sir, to be honest the greatest difficulty came with all the little things I missed from home. Things like playing with the dog, going to daily Eastern Review discussion groups, and riding on hoverboards that look surprisingly like 1980’s skateboards just don’t come often enough in the depths of outer space. Additionally--and not many people know this--you can’t be tickled in space, which was a huge bummer.

Announcer: And how about all of the world events you missed while away?

Tenderson: That was definitely hard as well. To see the reports of some really historic, world-defining events, and know I was hundreds of millions of miles away…not easy. Think about everything that’s occurred since 2133: the bloody war over Antarctica between the Republic of Iowa and the European Union, the record-setting season by Ted Williams’ corpse, and the invention of the TelePorter--

Announcer: Yes, being able to dial up any type of Port Wine you want for delivery really has been delightful!

Tenderson: --to be gone for all of that was really not easy.

Announcer: But of course, Smithy, there were huge honors and opportunities that came with being the first human to collect extraterrestrial life, no?

Tenderson: Oh, yeah, no doubt about it. When we got back, there was that huge bidding war over the patents for the genetic material we extracted from those cells—and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t buy me an undersea mansion or two! In fact, the proceeds from the Starbucks deal alone were enough to finance the whole trip. And everyone agrees that their coffee, whatever they’re doing with that stuff, is just freaking amazing nowadays.

Announcer: Yes, all praise Starbucks.

Crowd: [in unison] All praise Starbucks.

Announcer: Well it’s been great having you, Smithy, and I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming book release, movie premiere, 71 Minutes interview, action figure sales, hologram transmission, and cloning procedure. Before we hear a word from our sponsors, could you possibly say ‘First-rate fellas watch Fox 5555’?

Tenderson: First-rate fellas watch Fox 5555.

Announcer: Thank you and goodnight!