Dear Readers of The Eastern Review,

Hazing is a concept foreign to most of today's college students. Unfortunately, no one really gets a good kick in their stomach as they're being forced to pound down gallons of grain alcohol anymore. However, here at The Eastern Review, hazing has been redefined due to the unprecedented level of anguish involved. We figure that if someone has the guts to try to work for this magazine, he or she should be able to put up with a few tests of their sense of humor, mental stress, and least importantly, physical prowess. Let us now take a "virtual tour," if you will, of The Eastern Review's hazing process. Each step will serve as an introduction to the adventures you could face.

Step 1: Pre-Application Data Sheet

Like Washington University, we require a Pre-Application Data Sheet with your Eastern Review application. Ours is much more complex, and involves a ten thousand word essay. After we receive your data sheet, it will be shredded and burned for ironic purposes.

Step 2: Destroying Your Dormitory

Next, we go to your dorm room and completely vandalize one of its walls. This may include micturition, defenestration, perspiration, aberration, masturbation, point mutation, complete devastation, reverse peristalsis, wrecking balls, bowling balls, golf balls, bocce balls, and a giant ball of oil. This process serves as a symbol of the "fourth-wall" breaking that you will constantly be participating in as a member of our staff.

Step 2a: Skydiving

Following the destruction of your wall, you will be forced to jump out of an airplane at an altitude of 10,000 feet with a parachute. On your way down, you are expected to come up with at least 3 viable ideas for the magazine. The purpose of this is to simulate the extreme pressure we put on our staff members here as well as instill a heightened sense of the fear of death.

Step 3: Solitary Confinement

Next, we lock you inside a room no bigger than a breadbox. (We were able to harness shrinking technology by repeatedly watching Honey, I Shrunk The Kids several times and focusing on all of Rick Moranis' dialogue.) Then, we throw some tender, uncooked chicken in there. You must create a shelter out of this chicken for sleeping purposes and cure the salmonella poisoning that you will get.

Step 4: Whoops!

Turns out, someone still has the only copy of "Honey, I Blew Up The Kid" from the local library, and we just used up our free trial of Netflix. Enjoy your new home.

Love,
Josh Delman
Editor-in-Chief