In the tradition of Albert Einstein, Bill Nye, and Joseph Smith, I'm a man outside the ivory towers of the scientific establishment answering profound questions with startling discoveries they wouldn't even begin to understand. Over the last 3 months since I quit Taco Bell, I've conducted a series of experiments and generated with implications for our beliefs about life, the earth, and the cosmos itself!

The following is a brief summary of some of my more noteworthy results.

Jello is just frozen light. This is one of the rare discoveries that, once conceived, are instantly and intuitively recognized as correct. The true wonder is that no great mind was able to grasp this in the thousands of years of science before I.

Goldfish die if you don't clean out their bowl. Alas, scientific discovery is often as much about luck as it is about genius. In this case, I inadvertently conducted an experiment by just letting the shit pile up in my fish's tank. He died, and the history of knowledge was forever changed.

Matter is made up of strings vibrating at different frequencies. I dreamt this one up while trying to fall asleep one night. Then I saw it like a week later on NOVA. Either a huge coincidence or some fucker was spying on me.

Babies do not like being poked. While the makeup of the human psyche is often complex and unintuitive, this is a truism I've established through hours of controlled experiment. They just do not like it.

Big Mac 'Special Sauce' is just ketchup and mayonnaise. I had this suspicion for a long time, but it took all my intellect to design an experimental set-up that might prove it. It took more effort than most of my other findings, but it was worth it.

The sun and moon are actually jealous lovers. The modern scientific community neglects the wisdom of the ancients all too often.