If you’re like me or millions of other concerned parents around the country, you watched the latest Chinese toy recalls with growing consternation. As millions of toys with lead paint were sent to landfills, one question was probably running through your mind, especially if you had purchased one of these objects for your child: “why are they taking these awesome toys from my child?”

I, and many people like me, bought these toys for one reason, and one reason only: they were incredibly cheap. I was completely unaware that they were coated in a thick, comforting layer of lead. I only found out later, when the toy was recalled, and even later still when X-rays of my child’s teeth from the dentist didn’t come out correct on the first few tries. I guess Timmy was gnawing on his toy truck while I was watching Two and a Half Men. Why does the government feel the need to meddle in my business of parenting? If these toys are truly unfit for play, and in some cases consumption, shouldn’t it be my job to keep them away from my kids.

I’m not even convinced that the lead paint is the real reason those toys were recalled. I think the government just hates freedom. I grew up in a house full of lead paint, and if I ate a few chips when I was too young to know better, it sure hasn’t messed me up. And all of our pencils have lead inside of them! Nobody wants to recall those. Plus, lead is an important ingredient in bullets, without which our soldiers would not be able to kill Iraqis and terrorists. Every time the government doesn’t let me buy cheap toys from China, the terrorists win.