WASHINGTON – Scientists at Van Helsing University announced today that garlic may not be a potent ward against vampires, especially compared to other alternatives like a cross or holy water. These findings come on the heel of recent discoveries that sunlight may simply stun the creatures, giving them time to escape its deadly glare and recover their unholy strength in their vile lairs from which they strike to feast upon the living.

“Garlic’s really a bust,” said lead scientist Drew Haperstein at a press conference held in the middle of a sunny field in broad daylight. “It doesn’t really work better than, say, a garlic flavored Dorito.” He paused to adjust the large cross affixed to his hat. “Or garlic bread.”

The study measured both the ability of garlic cloves to repel vampires alone and its effectiveness when combined with other traditional defenses. In all cases, garlic performed at a rate worse than every item except the control item, which was a stapler.

“Even the stapler would probably do something if you stapled them in the heart,” noted Haperstein. “The garlic is just going to stink up the place.”

The authors of the study suggest that anyone who doesn’t like getting the blood sucked from their arteries by an inhuman monster erect crosses around their domiciles, or, if they’re homeless, go live in a church. Citizens are also advised to carry Super Soakers filled with holy water. Said Haperstein: “Make sure it’s real holy water, not the repackaged Mountain Dew they sell on eBay. That will eat through a vampire’s skin, sure, but that’s just because it’s Mountain Dew. They’ll recover. Holy water would be fatal.”