We asked several people to review movies -- based solely on their titles! I guess the obvious question is what will we think of next?

No Country for Old Men
Reviewed by: An Old Man

As soon I saw the advertisement for this picture in the newspaper I became very angry. No Country for Old Men? What kinda title is that? What kind of message is that sending to America? Just cause I’m old doesn’t mean that I can't be worth somethin’. I have just as much right to be here as anyone else! I fought in World War II dammit! 13th Regiment in the 28th Battalion….or was it 82nd? Hell I cant remember, but I fought Germans. That’s worth somethin’! And hell, I know all these kids today are talking about technologoly, and microwaveys and tvd players, but there’s something to be said for a man who knows how to use a plow. And I know how to use a plow. My granddad taught me when I was little, when we lived in El Paso and used to wake up…wait a minute…what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, that damn picture! Just cause I’m old doesn’t mean me and my buddies cant live here no more. This is America dammit! I hate this movie, and therefore give it 1 fart out of five. I hope the Coen Brothers get polio.

The Golden Compass
Reviewed by: A NASA technician

I don’t know what all this fuss about this compass is all about. Compasses are obsolete! No one here uses them anymore. Stenography is a dead practice. Here at NASA we have to make sure our coordinates are precise down to the ten-thousandth decimal place. When we are in space, do you think a compass will help us 5 million miles away from the Earth’s gravitational field? The answer is a resounding no. We use microcalculators. That’s right.

Walk Hard
Reviewed by: A man with no legs

Here we go again! More movies about walking. Doesn’t anyone have any compassion anymore. There are at least 300 of us people born with no legs. It’s a goddamm medical condition, “absentioappendage,” look it up. People are so insensitive, making movies and TV shows, and books all with people who can walk. Every so often a character like Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump comes along and Hollywood says, “We recognize the legless” but that’s bullshit. That movie came out in 1994, and Gary Sinise is a pansy. When you make a movie like Walk Hard, it frankly is just very insensitive. It’s throwing it in our faces is what it is. So I can't walk, run, jog, skip, hopscotch, jump rope, or climb. I don’t need to be reminded when I go to the movies.

DID YOU KNOW?

The earth isn't perfectly round; it's shaped more like a mailbox.

From The Desk of Mark S. Wrighton A look at some notes taken by Washington University's chancellor, Mark S. Wrighton. Letters To The Editor The Eastern Review responds to some letters sent in from our fans. Choose Your Own Adventure You're Jim Spitts in this interactive choose your own adventure. Try to survive!

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