We at The Eastern Review were lucky enough to have a conversation with one of the esteemed deacons who works and worships at the Vatican. In our conversation, he alluded to a particularly interesting anecdote involving the Pope. We listened with rapt attention as he began to tell his tale.

Apparently, the Pope was engaged in a late night match of Mario Kart for the Nintendo 64 -- a popular video game among teenagers and religious figures -- with three archbishops, when one of the archbishops committed what the Pope felt was an act of heresy.

Began the deacon: “You know in the Wario stadium level where there’s that jump that if you time your lightning just right you can totally make the other guy fall down, like half way through the race?”

We did.

“Well,” continued the deacon, “around the Vatican we have a rule where we don’t do that, and before this game the Pope even said ‘no dick moves on the jump.’ He’s really into etiquette. But [the archbishop] fuckin' did it anyway!”

“So anyways, Pope flips out and throws his Episcopal Mitre and starts to talk trash. He called him a fag and stuff, you know, just basically said he was a big fag.” The deacon showed no sign of discontent towards this homophobia. He went on to explain the arguments the Pope forwarded as to why exactly the Archbishop was, in fact, a homosexual.

"He said he smokes a lot of cock,” explained the deacon

“Actually,” considered the deacon, apparently deep in thought, “there really have been times when I think the archbishop is a queen. You want to hear about this time I caught him doing some seriously gay stuff?”

Without waiting for our answer, the deacon proceeded to regale us with the tale of an instance when he claims to have caught the archbishop “lookin’ at a dude’s butt like it was a chick’s butt.”

“So I don’t know maybe he is gay,” concluded the deacon. “Either way it was really intense.”

We couldn’t help but agree.