The Real Olympic Investigative Division, or ROID, emerged from the annals of history Monday clutching evidence of yet another tainted historical record. Shortly following the exposé of Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones, the division declared former U.S. president George Washington a fraud as well.

The discovery took place at the Library of Congress, 101 Independence Ave, Washington D.C., where son of ROID chair Marcus Gilding was doing a book report on the first president.

“I was down there trying to confirm the whole wooden teeth thing, and out popped this letter. I was like holy shit, dad needs to see this,” Mikey Gilding said.

The letter, dated August 7th, 1775, appeared in a set of correspondences from Washington to his wife Martha while he was away fighting the revolution. The one in question appeared thus:

‘Dear Martha, I’m sick, the doc just prescribed me some steroids,” Washington wrote.
In light of the discovery, the nation’s capital, numerous prestigious high schools and universities, and every newspaper in Washington D.C. has changed its name. Britain has declared a rematch, and the House of Representatives has convened for a postmortem impeachment.