AMARILLO, TX - At 3:06 C.S.T. at Memorial Hospital, surgeon C. Everett Koop performed the world's first successful surgery to reverse an individual's hands' position on the body--and thus the person's dominant handedness--in a procedure tentatively called a "Koop Reverse Handectomy." The former U.S. Surgeon General removed and re-attached both of 36-year-old Amarillo native Teddy Winkler's hands, but in reversed positions, in the 4 hour procedure.

At a post-operation press conference, Winkler read a prepared statement. "I always wanted to be left-handed. I've heard so much about their creativity, their artistic ability, and their general prowess at Sudoku. Now I finally switched my hands around and have made my dreams come true. I thank my friends, my family, and most of all Dr. Koop for making this happen. To all the naysayers who said I couldn't do it--fuck you."

Medical experts have credited Koop's extensive credentials and facial hair for enabling him to complete the oft-failed procedure. Dr. Jimbo Avery commented "The former U.S. Surgeon General was able to succeed where so many else have failed. This is in part because of his expertise and training, and in part because of his gigantic beard." Alfredo Simmons, Ph. D. concurred. "It has long been speculated that the one to complete the hand reversal would, almost by definition, have an enormous white beard." Several other commentators have commentated that Koop's trademark bow-tie was also helpful in ensuring success.

Winkler faces a protracted and daunting period of rehabilitation. He will begin by grasping objects and making simple hand motions. It could be months, or even years, before he is able to use a pen or masturbate effectively. When he is able to complete these tasks, they will be done, of course, with his left hand. For Winkler, that fact alone makes it all worth it.