10/14, 1:51 AM: Student is removed from Olin B after constructing a shrine to 8th U.S. President Martin Van Buren out of straws and condom wrappers. Disposition: cleared.

10/15, 4:57 PM: Traffic accident on Forsythe caused by well-proportioned female wearing bra as a shirt. Disposition: pending.

10/17, 2:17 PM: Sophomore is caught attempting to sell stolen answer keys for Business Ethics test. Disposition: cleared by referral to Academic Integrity Committee.

10/19, 11:42 PM: Unidentified stoned students loot Bear Mart of Cheetos, Cocoa Puffs, and Ice Cream Sandwiches while cashier cleans up a spill. Disposition: pending.

10/19, 11:55 AM: Undergrad is escorted from Graham Chapel after attempting to engage in non-religious activities. Disposition: cleared.

10/19, 2:24 PM: Professor of Earth and Planetary Sciences is excommunicated from Catholic church after claiming evidence of heliocentric solar system. Disposition: cleared by repentance.

10/22, 1:10 PM: Researcher in Primate Lab discovered fornicating with chimpanzee; allowed to continue with chimp's consent via sign language. Disposition: cleared.

10/25, 9:38 PM: Guest at Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton's house tests positive for steroids and HGH after a rolling a near-perfect 293 at the residence's bowling lanes. Disposition: pending retest.

10/26, 10:43 AM: Junior is asked to leave Career Fair after pairing brown shoes with black suit. Disposition: pending.

10/26, 12:14 PM: 12 she-goats released on Danforth campus by St. Louis Zoo worker. Disposition: cleared by termination.

10/26, 2:05 PM: Sudden head explosion during Biomedical Engineering lecture reveals professor to be a robot. Disposition: pending.

10/28, 9:15 PM: Minor riot ensues after Sophomore male carrying Arby's roast beef sandwiches mistakenly enters Wash U Vegetarians meeting. $4100 in damage, 11 injuries, 3 deaths. Disposition: cleared.

10/28, 11:57 PM: George Washington statue is found vandalized by unknown students, wearing silly hat and bearing a shameless promotion for mediocre humor website. Disposition: pending investigation.